Hello, Friends!
This is Author Matthew Doebler’s wife Christine. Recently, he asked me to write about the bull-headed mentee. Why, you ask? Perhaps because that’s ME! Even though I initially come across as the compliant middle child, I can stubbornly resist change and refuse to move on things I genuinely want to accomplish. Conversely, I occasionally charged ahead without seeking wise counsel or adequate planning. Can you guess how that went? Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with a tenacious group of friends and family members who have mentored me, and they are literal SAINTS. Oh, the crazy ideas I’ve had, the careless words I’ve aired, the decisions I’ve made that blew up in my face. Though I ignored the Saints’ wise words and Biblical counsel, they stuck with me, trusting the Spirit to prevail in His work. They prayed with me and over me, when I had neither the will nor the words. They served as compassionate witnesses to my pain and helped me grow through my mistakes, assuring me that I was not my failure. They refused to let the Enemy implant seeds of bitterness, despair, or lies about my identity by infusing gospel truth into my wounded heart.
My first traffic accident occurred when I was working two jobs the summer before my freshman year in college, resulting in $1000 worth of damage to my brother’s car. While I was surveying the wreckage, my dad came up beside me, put his arm around me, and said simply, “Sorry, Babe.” He didn’t lecture me on my driving skills or discuss payment plans, but ministered to me with his presence, providing a literal shoulder on which I could cry.
By God’s grace, I have been able to be that kind of mentor for others: listening to my single friends lamenting the lack of Christian spouse options, talking through parenting concerns with friends, or helping new brides navigate joys and challenges of marriage. It is an honor and a privilege to get a front row seat to God’s work in a person’s life. The highs are multiplied, and the lows are diminished. It is one of my greatest joys! But I have also been impatient, dictatorial, and overly frustrated by my friends’ lack of progress.
As a broken human among broken humans, I am prone to act like Moses with the Israelites in the wilderness when he struck the rock instead of just speaking to it as the Lord commanded. Moses was understandably frustrated. God Himself called the Israelites a “stiff-necked people.” threatening to withdraw His cloud of Glory, lest He strike them dead. But I am not God, and when my temper flares, it’s often not a holy discontent but rather my pride and need for control taking over. In mentoring, we too, can feel major frustration emerge when we are working with our mentees. Why won’t he repent of his hurtful words? Why won’t she put in any effort to restore her marriage? Why won’t he reach out to that struggling relative? Our desires for our mentee can stem from God-honoring motives, but discerning the source of our frustration can prove difficult.
So, what do I do when I feel frustrated by a mentee?
Pray. Ask God to reveal what’s really going on in my heart, in the life of my mentee, and ask for the discernment to assess what is holy discontent and what is pride or a need for control.
Assess my triggers. Is there something about this person that is triggering an overly emotional response? Is there something about this person or situation that reminds me of something painful in my past? Am I experiencing frustration in my own life that is bleeding over into my interactions with my mentee? If so, I need to process the issues for myself. Journal. Confess. Seek the godly counsel of a trusted advisor or therapist.
Practice “Benevolent Detachment.” If I find I am too emotionally involved, I need to remind myself that I am not their Lord and Savior; only Jesus is! Like Dr. Rhoda Wolle said in a recent interview, I need to assess what is MY business, what is THEIR business, and what is GOD’S business. When I crave control or become overly invested in the outcome of mentoring conversations, I will be infuriated by their choices that lead to “losses” and be tempted to take credit for their “wins.”
Remember that God is the Author of life. HE is writing every person’s story, and He is madly in love with each of His characters. His Gospel promises that He will never leave His people. The cloud of His Glory may be concealed for a season, but He is still present and actively working, even writing Himself into our story through Jesus. It’s Christ’s love that compels us to work through our frustration and love our mentees well.